I have this thing that happens sometimes, that I’ve had checked out a couple of times with no real explanation. I think it’s just related to migraines, and my MRI’s and everything are always normal. I get dizzy, disorienting spells maybe twice a year the last few years. I fainted one time, and two other times I came really close to it but fought it off. One time I was having lunch with my friend Sarah, and I’ve never seen such a scared look on someone’s face. She thought I was having a seizure because I was shaking so bad. I wasn’t. I was just having intense pain and trying not to faint.
This has happened three times while I’m driving, including just a few minutes ago. It’s never been as drastic as the times I haven’t been driving, which is good. It sounds really bad, but the reality is I always have time to pull over. I start feeling dizzy and I can tell that it’s more than just typical migraine-type dizziness (I’m prone to dizziness in general, though it’s so much better as an adult than it was as a kid), and I know I need to pull over or find an exit. The funny thing is that I always take a few seconds to try to tell if I’m psyching myself into it – like maybe I’m not really having one of those episode, but I’m just thinking that I am and it’s having the same effect. This time I ended up not even pulling over until a few minutes later. I gave it a few seconds to try to make myself focus on the road. I turned on the windshield wipers to make my eyes do something different, and then just as I reached over to turn my flashers on and pull over, the feeling went away. So I kept going until time to get some food.
I haven’t been able to tell any common denominator. I really just think it’s migraine-related, like all my other weirdness. People with migraines are more likely to faint than people without. So I dunno.
But every time this process happens, it reminds me how utterly dependent I am on God. Going 75 mph in the car and suddenly feeling like you are about to black out is a little scary, but a good object lesson for what life is like a lot of time. We have the illusion of control, and then suddenly it’s gone. Somebody we love gets a bad diagnosis or dies; something in our personal life suddenly changes; or whatever – and our equilibrium is completely out of whack.
I’m about an hour and a half from where I’m staying in Illinois tonight. So my first thought was, what if I can’t get there? What if I get a migraine right here and can’t drive? It’s only happened two times when I wasn’t near home – once in Ohio on the way to Great Lakes, and once in Labrador. Both times were very scary, because I had only minutes to get horizontal before I was incoherent. Both times worked out fine.
So what I’ve learned is that panic doesn’t help anything. Each time I’ll either be okay or I won’t. Since I always have been, I’m inclined to think that that trend will continue. I don’t take stupid chances, but with something that only happens a couple of times a year and has never results in actual issues, I’m not going to let it keep me from doing stuff. But ultimately, I know that whatever happens is in God’s hands anyway.
I’m stopped now. I feel fine, other than a headache I’ve had for a while (not a migraine or even close to one). I’ve never had an episode that came back after it ended (actually once I did, but I was on a plane to Kenya and had gotten some distressing news before taking off, which may have contributed). I tried to find a pharmacy a few minutes ago, so I could check my blood pressure (it’s always low and tends to drop too low sometimes), but couldn’t. So I ate some salty food at Arby’s (where the guy thought I said my name was Justin), and am about to hit the road. I just think it’s interesting how these little moments can help us think about God.
Next Comes Africa 