First of all, in perhaps the coolest moment of my life, today a guy said, “Hakuna Matata” to me and he wasn’t quoting “The Lion King” – he was speaking his native language. Okay, maybe it wasn’t worth the italics…but it was certainly awesome.
This morning we went in search of adventure, and adventure is what we found. I still have the aftertaste of crocodile in my mouth…
Matt, Liz, and I set off in search of a place in the “Valley of 1,000 Hills,” where we were told we could watch an authentic Zulu tribal dance and learn about huts and customs and stuff.
When we got there (it should have taken 15 minutes; we took a few wrong turns so it took 1 hour and 45 minutes – but we got to see some beautiful scenery), we learned that for 330 R ($33.00) we could take a game drive, see the crocs and snakes (we skipped the snakes, except for a glance at a Burmese python that was on the way to the crocs), and watch the dancing.
We had a few minutes to grab some lunch before the game drive started. Liz and I were excited to see that hot croc (like a hot dog) and croc burgers were on the menu, but we didn’t have time to wait for them.
We loaded onto the vehicle – a 4×4 jeep kind of thing with 4 rows of seats and open sides. The guide informed us it would be quite a bumpy ride, especially in the very back. I ended up sitting there anyway so that we would all have a clear view for taking pictures. I had a brief moment of panic as we were going down some steep hills, because the guide announced we would be coming back the same way. Matt and Liz, both aware of my aversion to driving up inclines (which mostly just manifests in grimacing and a whimper once in a while), glanced back at me. Too late now.
As soon as we got inside the fenced area, we saw a mommy and baby impala. Our guide (I’m sure he said his name…let’s call him Petunia) said the baby was probably just a day old. We had to wait for several minutes because the mommy impala wasn’t the brightest antelope in the herd, and jumped up on a ledge that her baby couldn’t climb. “Stupid mommy,” the guide said. They were finally reunited when the baby got resourceful and figured out another way up. “Clever baby,” the guide said.
Just around the next bend we spotted zebras. I had to tell Liz and Matt the story of me driving through the back roads in the Ozark Mountains (in Arkansas) and suddenly happening upon a creature that appeared to be half-zebra/half-donkey. I deemed it a “zebronkey” and when I went home and googled it, found out that’s exactly what it was. It felt like I had stumbled onto the Island of Dr. Moreau.
But these zebras were all zebra. They were stunning creatures up close – I’d never fully appreciated them before. I asked the guide what sound zebras make, because I’ve always wondered (but not enough to google) and he said they hee haw like donkeys and neigh like horses. As if on cue, one let out a neigh.
Once we moved on from there, Petunia pointed up a hill in the distance, where zebras, wildebeests, and giraffes were barely visible. When I saw the giraffe – clearly identifiable despite the distance – it felt like something out of Jurassic Park. It was unreal. Once I think I actually caught a picture of a brontosaurus.
The guide suddenly asked, “Is everyone up for a 4×4 up the hill?” Everyone else said yes, but I didn’t answer. Apparently he actually wanted vocal consent from everyone, because he asked, “And the one in the back?” “Sure,” I said a little weakly.
It wasn’t too bad (I jokingly remarked that it was better than Matt’s driving – which was entirely false and does not require retribution of any sort) and as we crested the hill and pulled up right next to the giraffe, I realized how vastly different it is to see this kind of animal in person, as opposed to the zoo. Absolutely breathtaking. The pictures speak for themselves, so I will stop.
Here’s a video of some giraffe interaction:
As we left the large groups of big animals, we saw this cool plant that’s similar to a cactus. It has a milky substance inside that can blind and poison you. It’s nickname is “fisherman’s dream.” The guide told us that the Zulus would find an area heavily populated by fish (a body of water, no doubt) and put some of this plant in the water. It would suffocate the fish and they would float to the top, making a fishing expedition a much shorter experience. Then they would have to cook the fish until it was almost burnt in order to neutralize the poison.
I thought I got a video of us going over a “see-saw” bump, but it didn’t record. The guide warned me, in the very back, to hang on and we went over a huge bump that made me scream and bolt up in the air. This isn’t it, but another video of our bumpy ride.
On the way back we saw a wildebeest up close. By the way, I put my foot out to scale the distance, not to kick the wildebeest.
Matt said something really rude to him in this clip:
When we got back, we had a few minutes to go see the crocodiles before time for the dancing to start.
[What if you’re without sin?]
The crocs were kind of cool, but they mostly just stayed in one place; so I was unimpressed until I saw this sign:
I asked the guide what it was about and he said for 120 R ($12) you buy a meal at the coffee shop and they bring a nice table cloth and you eat in the enclosure with the crocs; afterward you get a nice certificate. I was game right away. Liz took a few minutes, but decided to join me. Matt bravely videoed the whole thing from a very safe distance.
We ordered our meal (Liz got a croc burger and I got a croc dog), signed our waiver, and waited with a group of 5 young Mormon men. They let us go first. I wasn’t scared because statistically the odds were next to nothing that anything bad would happen. The guide said no one had ever died. He told us what he would do if one tried to run toward us (poke it in the nose with a stick), but I asked if that had ever happened and he said no. He gave us these comforting words: “They don’t attack in groups, so if one attacks you it will just be that one.”
They eased us in by having us walk through a couple of areas that just had little crocs. When we entered, the guide gave us these directions: “Stay on the right by the fence. If I tell you to drop everything, run and high jump (yeah, right) over the fence. Don’t head toward the water or you’re done for.” You can tell by the very genuine whimper that it was scarier than I anticipated at first. Liz and I were trembling for the first few minutes.
When we got our food, I said, “I’m praying for my food,” and we both posed for a picture as we prayed. It seemed especially prudent.
At the very beginning of the video clip below one of the guides made a biting motion with his hand on my leg when my eyes were closed (I just realized it’s captured in the photo too), which scared me to death. The first 20 seconds on this one are good and that’s it, but I couldn’t figure out how to shorten it.
In case you were wondering, Liz’s meal was yummy; mine was somewhat disgusting – it had bits of gristle that I had to spit out, and was extremely salty. I asked if I would still get the certificate if I didn’t finish it, and as soon as the guide said yes, I was done.
[I like this one because without the background it just looks like a lovely picnic at the park.]
After we ate, they wanted us to come closer so they could take pictures of us dying. That’s not me cackling at the beginning; I think it’s the old guy who was talking to Matt (who also asks a funny question at one point on the video, below). After seeing how much fun the guide was having with that stick, I wanted to get it on the action.
We survived dining with crocs and got our certificates.
Then it was time for the dancing.
Though that was what we had come for, it was the least-exciting event of the day – but still entertaining. Here’s a short video:
There was nothing left but to sign the guest book, buy a few souvenirs, and head out.
Our trip home was much shorter. I may or may not have flashed my croc certificate at two Zulu guys standing at a stop light. When we got home, Matt randomly asked if we wanted him to make dinner, and of course we said yes. So we had delicious chicken alfredo made by our very own Italian chef.
It was quite a day. I don’t know if it topped the monkeys, but it was close.
There are a few more short videos on my youtube channel, at http://www.youtube.com/user/jessibee81. The best ones are on here though.
Next Comes Africa 