Today’s my 16th baptism anniversary. I used to notice every year but sometimes I forget the date now. It was just shy of a month after the 9/11 attacks (in fact, my mom said when she told my father I wanted to get baptized, he wanted to make sure it wasn’t a reaction to that; it hadn’t even occurred to me). I had just moved to Fayetteville for school, and had fallen in love with the ecclesia and with the book of Romans. I kinda thought I would’ve had Romans figured out by now!
I remember asking my friend Mike something along the lines of, “I know we can’t predict exactly when Jesus will come back. But is there a point you feel confident it will be before?” I wanted to know I wouldn’t be waiting around forever. I clearly remember him saying, “I would be very surprised if it’s not in the next ten years.” Surprise! I don’t feel convicted Jesus will return in my lifetime, but I do feel convicted he will return. I don’t want to live another 50 years in “the body of this death.” I’d much rather “depart and be with the Lord.” But if I have to stick it out here, I know it’s about a whole lot more than just waiting around. Life is an exciting journey.
I like to reflect on my spiritual goals on this anniversary. Privately, for the most part. But sometimes I like to blog the basics of something like that, so I can look back on it later. This has been an interesting year. I had no idea what returning to Fayetteville would be like. I still don’t really, because starting this Sunday my ecclesial situation will be different. It’s a long, non-bloggable story, but I’ve made a conscience-based decision I think is the right thing for now. If not, I trust that God will direct me otherwise.
I’ve made progress on some spiritual goals this year, including recent progress on a big one. There are other areas I seem stuck with the status quo – not backsliding but not making huge strides forward. Overall, I’m content that God is providing me the tools I need to develop my character to be more like His son. It’s a slow journey, but one with endless rewards along the way. It’s full of hard choices and heartbreaking disappointments, but always with hope for the future. It’s full of exciting discoveries and adventures I’d never have courage to go on if I didn’t have the promise of the Kingdom ahead (you know, in case anything goes wrong). It’s the life I want to live, but it’s one I never could have predicted 16 years ago.
I can’t reflect on my baptism without reflecting on what happened 5 years ago when I was disfellowshipped from the ecclesia I grew up in. One date was the beginning of my spiritual walk; the other could’ve easily been a permanent spiritual stumble. It’s only by God’s grace and the help of new friends that it wasn’t. I still feel fundamentally damaged from it, and I don’t know if I’ll ever really be whole until Jesus heals me in the Kingdom – until he takes away the feelings and reactions that are triggered by things that even peripherally remind me of that experience. But maybe wholeness is overrated. Having cracks in your soul means there’s plenty of space for God to fill, and He fills it in the most amazing ways.
So this anniversary is a reminder of how God spent 11 years preparing me spiritually for having to do what I did, and 5 years so far helping me recover from it. Part of that recovery has been discovering I can absolutely do whatever God calls me to do, no matter how scary it is. Part of it has been discovering hundreds of brothers and sisters who I didn’t know existed, who are helping fill those cracks in my soul. Part of it has been learning to face the psychological aftermath of being cut off from most of my loved ones, in a healthy, honest, unashamed way.
I can’t wait to see what the next year holds. I have so much hope for continued recovery, rediscovery of friendships, restoration and reconciliation of relationships, and other words that probably start with ‘r’.
(I was baptized at the same time as a brother named Wes, who died a year later from complications during a seizure. I think he was in his early 30’s. I always think of him on this day, and pray for his wife and family. I wonder if you stand in line at the Judgment Seat based on your baptism date. If so, I’ll see you in line, baptism buddy.)
Next Comes Africa 