The Good and the Bad

I had an unsettling correspondence today. And I really wanted to spiral. But my spirals are so much more controllable than they used to be. So I didn’t. I took a bath and a nap, and then I took the pup for our regularly-scheduled 30-minute walk.

Dempster does not accept rain as an excuse. Today I would’ve skipped the walk, since it was raining literally and metaphorically on my afternoon. But having a puppy is great for that. So we went walking in the rain (it’s almost 60°, so it wasn’t miserable).

[There’s a random duck in the picture. He wandered from the nearby pond to our flooded drainage ditch.]

I’m not even going to give him a bath, because it will probably be raining on our walk tomorrow too. And now I have a few school things to do that I’ll feel better having accomplished. After that I plan to have a Dr. Pepper and some take-out (I have no groceries). I need to schedule my next couple of weeks because it’s driving me crazy not having a plan.

God knows just what I can handle and when. Yesterday I was stressed out because of a school thing that’s been up in the air, and I almost discovered this disturbing correspondence last night. That would’ve been bad. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep. I almost discovered it this morning, which also would’ve been bad because I wouldn’t have been able to get it off my mind at work. And then I got to school, talked to the department head about this back and forth crazy scheduling thing. And bam! The school situation resolved – finally – in a way that I think will mean I can go to a couple of Bible schools after all! It’s been up and down and back and forth, but I should know for sure tomorrow. And it’s looking good.

I tend to shut down when I’m stressed. I’m trying not to do that with this. I’m trying to get better about being straightforward about what I need. I need words of comfort. A good friend called me, and I cried for a few minutes and told her to talk to Dempster because I hate that trying to talk while crying feeling. And I reached out to a couple of other people who I think will have beneficial feedback. I don’t know what to do and I feel helpless and alone. And I have a headache.

I’ve had this experience before, and I know what helps. Words of comfort from friends and the Bible help. Spiraling doesn’t. Drinking coffee helps. Having a glass of wine doesn’t. (Interestingly, I don’t keep alcohol in my apartment because I struggle with using it correctly, but a friend just gave me a bottle right before my trip. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to take it, but I decided to. I’m in a healthy place with moderation these days. And right now I feel extremely grateful to God for the progress He’s helped me make on this, because I know for absolutely certain I will not open that bottle tonight. I wouldn’t have known if it hadn’t been an option.)

Okay, time to do this one school thing, order dinner, and get on with what I really want to do tonight – be a nerd and make my schedule for the next few weeks in my bullet journal. 😂

2698

That’s how many miles I’ve driven in the past 12 days. 1000 of it was just today. I’m about as tired as I’ve ever been, but you can’t expect a puppy to go right to sleep after being crated for 16.5 hours. Speaking of which, that’s also how long he went without using the bathroom. He’ll go outside now when he really needs to, but apparently he didn’t really need to. Even when we got home he first went and grabbed a pair of socks to hold in his mouth while he used the puppy pad. What a strange little man he is. We’re going to play fetch for a few minutes and then if he’s not sleepy I’m getting out the Benadryl.

What a great Spring Break!